Judgement

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I remember the summer before my sophomore year of high school very vividly. Something in my brain clicked. I wasn’t “on a diet”. I was eating pretty well and I was working out regularly. I felt good. I remember not even realizing I had lost weight until I went shopping for school clothes. True to eating disorder form…it didn’t last. And I remember the moment the flip switched vividly. I was in my Spanish class and we were going around the room…we must have been working on words related to clothing. I think we were talking about things we would wear vs. not wear. And I had said that I wasn’t wearing a belt and had to show I wasn’t. And this kid named Dave made some comment about being scared and that “being a close one” to this kid John. Mind you….not really that attractive himself. He was actually a pompous nerd. If you’re going to comment on other peoples appearance you had better look perfect. But even after all my hard work and my success I was still the “Fat Girl”. And that apparently made me less of a person. I deserved to be treated like garbage. I deserved to have a friend compare me to a beached whale while on vacation and complain about me wearing tank tops to our “friends”. Apparently when you’re overweight…you’re less than human. The kid who’s 2nd string on the football team that never played, who had weight issues himself with acne could make you feel 2 inches tall. Girls aren’t allowed to have flaws. We’re expected to be perfect. And someone is ALWAYS going to judge you. Someone is always going to have something to say…even those that are supposed to care the most. You have to find a way to tune it out…I have to find a way to tune it out or I’ll never stay in recovery. We’ll never stay on track or be healthy. It’s pointless to listen because regardless…they’re going to judge you anyway.

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